Graduate School Grief

Remember when I told you this blog was to be an "honest" place, where I get to share all kinds of emotions brought on by life?  Well friends, here's the awful truth of my life right now. 


I hate graduate school.  


Not just am irritated by it, or over it, but physically despise it with every bone in my body. Especially my tailbone which is soooo not used to sitting for hours on end and is also feeling the effects of grad school. I go to sleep dreading it, wake up in the middle of the night worried about it, and literally go crazy during the day if I don't step away from it for at least a minute, even if it is just to make a sandwich.  Yesterday Brett came home early from work and the first thing he said was "Are you still in your pajamas?" Yes, it is that bad.  Why get a second pair of clothes dirty if I am practically chained to this house and my laptop? That just makes for more laundry that I don't have time to do.  My poor friends are suffering too, one of the besties calls to do stuff all the time and I wish so bad that I could take her up on it, especially since she is due to have a baby in 4 weeks and then things are really gonna get nuts, but I can't. :(  If I do too much "fun" I don't get things done. I know the word hate is very intense, (I once had a student tell me I said a bad word when I told another kiddo "I would hate to have to ask you to pull your color."), but I feel so strongly that I think it describes the emotion better than any other word I can think of except maybe bitterness.  

This is what Kirby does all day while I do Grad school.  Cuddle and keep me company, or bring me dirty socks to throw for her.  (Give her a break, dirty socks are easy for a blind dog to sniff out)

Not gonna lie, I am currently very bitter about the whole situation because I have worked so hard and run myself into the ground the past 16 months working on this degree full time, teaching full time, and just keeping up with everyday life.  If I was going to be able to actually DO something with it at the end of the program that would be different, but the decisions made by the Texas government certainly are not on the side of education for the next few years so it is just something to hang on the wall and hope to use like 5- 10 years from now, maybe.  This was not at all the case when I got the crazy idea to start this adventure way back in the fall of 2009 (counting GRE classes, application time, and waiting for a partial scholarship to pull through), so that shows you how fast the government can change things in life. 

Sako, on the other hand, stares obsessively out our bedroom window until a bird or squirrel catches her eye and then barks at the back door until I let her out.  All. Day. Long. 

Plus, it is summer, heaven on earth for teachers, and although I have done fun things, let me fill you in on a secret behind those as well.  I had to do graduate school from our campsite in Arkansas, and last year on vacation in DC.  Projects were due and even though I tried to get ahead before we left, summer grad school is like 15 weeks of work crammed into 4 weeks, so it is a constant thing.  The poor hubs had to drive me to a resort 45 minutes away so I could log onto the Internet to turn things in, and that's not counting the hours he fished alone while I was one-on-one with my lovely purple laptop.  That thing is literally attached to me 24/7, maybe I should name it? 

Occasionally, one will antagonize the other until a wrestling match like this or tug of war with previously mentioned dirty socks takes place.  

Whew, now that I got that venting session through with, let's turn this into a positive post after all.  Seriously, how am I supposed to push through these last two classes and portfolio if I don't have a list of things to look forward to?


Here's the rundown 
- My portfolio is due on July 18th. 
- My last 2 classes are officially OVER on August 2nd. 
- Graduation is on August 6th.  (I don't think I am going.  I'd much rather be at the beach. I've given graduate school my life recently, it doesn't get to steal another weekend.  With gas, a hotel room, and the cost of a cap, gown, and masters hood thing, I could probably get something way cuter that I could wear much more often. ;)  Plus, there is no way anything could EVER top my bachelor's graduation from UT Austin, so why even try.  I'll always be a longhorn, never a bearcat. ;) ) 
- I go back to work on the 15th technically, but knowing my OCDness with my classroom and how excited my team gets I bet I'm back in my classroom on August 3rd at the latest.  Getting a room ready for 22+ 5-year olds and their parents is loads of work, no matter how many times you have done it.  Plus, I am planning some of the first few weeks of thematic stuff so I have to get on it asap, but can't even look at that pile yet. 
- School starts on August 22nd and that is always a very tough and exhausting week for everyone, but also signals the start of a new bond with new kiddos.  


So when I have time to breathe, here is what I am looking forward to....
- Crossing more things of my 25 at 25 list.  (I'll fill you in on all that later) But, things include; baking and decorating cookies, organizing my closet(s), writing heartfelt thank you cards to people from my past who have made a difference in who I am today, sewing, finding a church Brett and I both agree on, and creating picture books. 
- Having 1 full time job rather than 2. :) 
- Getting crafty.  I have a few big projects in mind. :) 
- Spending quality, not rushed, time with my friends and all their babies since so many now have them.  (I'm talking two and four legged babies) 
- Sitting at the beach, reading my nook without the nagging thought that I should be reading my textbook instead. 
- Getting really good at giving myself manicures and pedicures. 
- Deep cleaning my house (it hasn't been done really good in awhile due to grad school, I'll admit it...) 
- Going to and watching movies. 
- learning about pinterest (I've gotten a few invites and heard it is fabulous!) 
- Getting new fun things done for my classroom, many of which involve pulling out my cricut.
- Starting to redo the guest bedrooms. 
- Watching Nate Berkus in the morning to assist with the redo of said bedrooms.
- Making a point to get up and walk EVERY morning. 
-Making all kinds of lists and crossing things off them.  To do lists, to organize lists, things I think the hubs should buy me from Lisa Leonards online or Vera Bradley to surprise me sometimes lists. ;) 
- Listening to Pandora on the "big speakers" in the living room while doing many of the above items and possibly breaking into a happy dance once in a while. 
- Going to Starbucks with my mom.  :)  

and sooooo much more. 


In conclusion, (My 8th grade teacher taught me how to close an essay properly ;) )  I know this degree will be worth it all and I will be able to be super proud of the accomplishment.  I KNOW this, it is just hard to push through at times, and writing about it gives me a chance to vent, get recharged, and get my head back in the game. 


I just have to make it through this last hurdle which is easier said than done.  
Prayers for strength these next few weeks as well as patience with me are greatly appreciated. :)